The following sporting events need to resolve themselves in the manner described below to ensure my successful enjoyment of Father’s Day. Don’t ask why; they just do.

NBA Finals:
The Pistons need to beat the Spurs like rented mules. Nothing would give me more pleasure than seeing the boring, lifeless Spurs return home down 3-2 to the reigning champs. All the prognosticators who declared this series dead and buried after the Spurs won the first two games can kindly suck it.

Braves v Reds:
The Braves have won the first 3 of this 4-game set and I want a sweep on Father’s Day. Atlanta’s road record is miserable this season and a nice sweep of the big red machine would be a nice gift. While I’m at it, how about another homer from Andruw or Julio?

U.S. Open:
Retief Goosen is a silly, silly name. Sure he’s South African and he won this major last year, but I really don’t see that happening this year. I’ll take anyone, even the geriatric Peter Jacobsen (who would become the oldest U.S. Open winner ever) over some guy named Retief Goosen. Plus, Jacobsen had hip surgery last year, so I like the comeback angle. And he hit a hole-in-0ne yesterday!

So there you have it. Three petty, weird, sports-related “wishes” for my Father’s Day celebration. How about it fellas? Can you accommodate me?